Creating Safety in the Midst of Infidelity

Setting and respecting boundaries is crucial for creating a safe, healthy environment in any relationship. There are four primary types of boundaries: physical, sexual, talking, and listening. Partners need to determine what their boundaries are to feel comfortable and safe. Here are some examples of common boundaries that partners establish in the first year after being cheated on:

Physical boundaries involve personal space and property. When someone sets a physical boundary, it is non-negotiable. Examples of physical boundaries include:

- Limiting or eliminating physical touch with the cheater for a period of time

- Sleeping in separate bedrooms or therapeutic separation

- Limiting time spent together or access to financial accounts

- Limiting or eliminating contact with family, friends, and acquaintances who participated in the cheating

Sexual boundaries involve who, when, where, and how you engage in sexual activity. Like physical boundaries, sexual boundaries are non-negotiable and examples include:

- Requesting that the cheater be tested for STIs

- Refraining from sexual activity until after disclosure and testing

- Choosing not to engage in sexual activities that are uncomfortable or triggering

- Facilitating a "sexual reintegration" process with a trained therapist post-crisis

Talking boundaries involve the ability to share thoughts and feelings relationally and make requests. Examples of talking boundaries include:

- Deciding with whom and how much to share about the cheating situation

- Being honest without using abuse or shaming language

- Making requests for trust-building behaviors like recovery work and transparency

Listening is the most challenging boundary to enforce. It involves processing information received and determining reality. Examples of listening boundaries include:

- Taking time-outs from conversations with the cheater that is manipulative or deceptive

- Protecting oneself from triggering materials

- Noticing discrepancies between words and actions

- Not receiving harmful details about cheating behaviors

Establishing boundaries sometimes means establishing a wall, which is often necessary when dealing with offensive behaviors, including lying and deception.

Partners who work together to establish and respect boundaries create a necessary haven of safety for healing and repair in the relationship.

(Boundaries information adapted from the work of Pia Mellody)