What is Betrayal and Betrayal Trauma?
Betrayal, in its essence, is a breach of trust and security, and it manifests itself in different intensities within all our relationships. Have you ever felt that overwhelming frustration and unease when a friend unexpectedly cancels plans with you? Or the profound disappointment that washes over you when you discover a family member has deceived you? These instances are prime examples of betrayal, as they disrupt the bond and fundamental sense of security that we, as humans, rely on. Since our feeling of safety is closely tied to predictability, any unforeseen events in life or within our relationships leave us feeling vulnerable and trigger a cascade of emotions.
How do we define betrayal trauma?
Betrayal trauma goes beyond the mere feeling of betrayal, encompassing experiences that inflict a heightened level of distress. While a friend canceling plans last minute may leave you feeling betrayed, it is unlikely to be classified as trauma by your brain. On the other hand, discovering that your partner has cheated on you or enduring sexual abuse from a family member is more likely to result in betrayal trauma due to the profound distress caused by the severity of the betrayal. This type of trauma can stem from a single event, such as uncovering an affair, or it can manifest over a prolonged period, such as enduring repeated deception within a relationship.
Here are some examples of experiences that may result in betrayal trauma:
Partner cheating on you
Sexual assault/rape
Discovering a family secret
Childhood abuse (physical, sexual, and/or emotional)
You may notice that you have experienced betrayal trauma if you experience any of the following:
Difficulty trusting others
Low self-worth or self-esteem
Shame and self-blame for actions done to you
Inability to maintain longer-term relationships
How is treating betrayal trauma different from other forms of trauma treatment?
Betrayal trauma, unlike trauma caused by accidents or natural disasters, is deeply rooted in social connections. This unique aspect of betrayal trauma calls for a more relational approach to its treatment. In my practice, I prioritize helping clients rebuild their relationships, as betrayal trauma often leaves them hesitant to engage intimately with others. Moreover, the impact of betrayal trauma extends beyond our ability to trust others; it also affects our sense of identity. Many of my clients experience feelings of shame ("I should have known better"), fear ("will this happen to me again?"), and a sense of being unloved ("what is wrong with me?"). The journey of healing from betrayal trauma involves simultaneously cultivating a healthy sense of self and learning how to foster healthy relationships with others.
If you find yourself facing difficulties in expressing your thoughts and concerns regarding these matters, seeking the assistance of a therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Our therapist matchmaker possesses expertise in identifying the perfect therapeutic match for you and provides complimentary 15-minute consultations.
Looking to take a deeper plunge with your partner? I now provide immersive experiences for couples, available in either 2-day or 3-day formats. During these intensives, you'll engage in 3 hours of profound exploration each day, spanning over 2 or 3 days. One remarkable advantage of these intensives is the ability to dedicate substantial blocks of time to processing without the need to worry about arranging childcare, taking time off work, or dealing with the usual scheduling challenges every week.
