“bad” coping doesn’t mean you are a “bad” person
Have you ever thought that you were a bad person because of the way you are coping?
What if I told you, you were doing what you needed to do to survive, now that it is serving you in an unhealthy way, and you have become aware, it’s time to heal and learn healthy coping skills.
It is amazing the number of sessions I have explained our natural survival skills, and how what seems “bad” has actually kept you alive.
The fight, flight, freeze, flop, or fawn reactions are immediate, automatic, and instinctive responses to fear. Understanding them a little might help you make sense of your experiences and feelings.
How our bodies respond to danger
We usually experience fear when we sense we are in danger. When our brains alert our bodies to the presence of danger, our bodies respond automatically.
For example, to prepare us to deal with immediate danger, our bodies often:
Speed up our heart rate and breathing, to increase the oxygen and blood going to our muscles.
Tighten our muscles, ready for use if needed.
Deactivate bodily functions that aren’t immediately important, like digestion.
Sweat, so we don’t get too hot.
Release adrenaline, to give us energy.
Release cortisol, to relieve pain. This can also have the effect of blocking rational thinking, which is why in times of extreme stress and fear, we sometimes feel our heads are cloudy or that we can’t concentrate.
All five responses are our bodies’ automatic ways of protecting us from further harm and surviving a dangerous situation:
Fight: physically fighting, pushing, struggling, and fighting verbally e.g. saying ‘no’.
Flight: putting distance between you and danger, including running, hiding or backing away.
Freeze: going tense, still, and silent. This is a common reaction to rape and sexual violence. Freezing is not giving consent, it is an instinctive survival response. Animals often freeze to avoid fights and potential further harm, or to ‘play dead’ and so avoid being seen and eaten by predators.
Flop: similar to freezing, except your muscles become loose and your body goes floppy. This is an automatic reaction that can reduce the physical pain of what’s happening to you. Your mind can also shut down to protect itself. This is also called dissociation.
Fawn: calling for a ‘friend’ or bystander for help, for example by shouting or screaming, and/or ‘befriending’ the person who is dangerous, for example by placating, negotiating, bribing, or pleading with them. Again, this is not you giving your attacker consent, it is an instinctive survival mechanism.
Memory and triggers
Sometimes when we are experiencing and responding to extreme fear or danger, our memories are not processed and stored in the usual way. When we experience a traumatic event, our brain often stores the memory based on what we are feeling and sensing at that time. When our brain then recognizes similarities between our present situation and our past trauma (e.g. a color, smell, or noise), it can activate the fight, flight, freeze, flop, or fawn response, even if we’re not currently in danger. We call this being triggered.
“Cue the “bad” coping skills. Here are some examples:
Fight: being defensive in healthy relationships and not knowing why you acting in such a way. You may feel a lot of anger at times. Your anger may cause you to lose your temper and do reckless things. After going through a trauma, it may seem reasonable to try to stay extra alert. You may be on the lookout for danger at all times. However, this way of coping doesn’t work. You end up feeling stressed, fearful, and worn out.
Flight: numbing yourself with substances, sex, gambling, and risky behavior such as compulsive spending or self-harm.
Freeze: Avoidance of a conflict in everyday relationships. You may distance yourself from people who want to help.
Flop: dissociating and being unable to be there for a friend in need.
Fawn: People pleasing in all relationships, and feeling like a failure when you aren’t able to make others happy.
It is easy to label these as “bad” behaviors or coping skills. This can easily lead to guilt and shame which may lead to a negative belief “I am a bad person.” I am here to tell you, nope, you are a survivor. In reality, these behaviors helped you survive. Now that it is serving you in an unhealthy way, and you have become aware, it’s time to heal and learn healthy coping skills, process past trauma, and “reset” your danger cue in your limbic system so it isn’t on when you are not in danger.
