Co-dependency is misunderstood
Codependency refers to a dysfunctional relationship pattern in which one person excessively relies on another for approval, self-worth, and identity. It typically involves enabling or controlling behavior, low self-esteem, and an excessive focus on meeting the needs of others at the expense of one's own. Codependency refers to a pattern of behaviors that stem from the belief that one is responsible for the thoughts, emotions, and actions of others. It involves an excessive reliance on others for validation, approval, and a sense of identity. Codependency is a complex dynamic in relationships, where one person exhibits various "mental health symptoms" while their partner engages in enabling or fixing behaviors. However, the term "codependency" is somewhat misleading as it does not accurately describe dependence or independence in the conventional sense. In fact, individuals who identify as codependent often consider themselves as highly independent. They truly mean that they have developed a tendency to shoulder an abnormal amount of responsibility for matters that are not their own, allowing them to feel in charge or in control. They take pride in being proactive problem-solvers, as their counterparts may possess different capabilities. They exert tremendous effort to maintain harmony because the idea of someone being upset triggers their deepest fears of being unlovable or unworthy. This pattern typically begins in childhood and persists unchecked for many years because codependents invest so much energy into their relationships that they rarely pause to reflect on the impact these dynamics have on their well-being as individuals.
The causes of codependency can vary from individual to individual. Codependency is a learned behavior that stems from dysfunctional family dynamics. Recent studies have revealed that individuals often carry emotional baggage from past generations, resulting in generational trauma. From birth, our brains are wired to understand how others interact with us and how we fit into the world. Our innate need for connection drives us to seek relationships that fulfill our basic needs and ensure survival. However, when our caregivers carry unresolved emotional wounds or tension, we adapt by navigating these issues to maintain our connection with them. We learn early on that we can influence the atmosphere by being more available, accommodating, and less dependent. This creates a false belief that we have control over our caregivers' emotions and that we can protect ourselves within relationships by managing the emotions of others. These patterns become deeply ingrained and continue to manifest in our adult relationships if we do not address and heal these underlying issues.
Codependency and interdependence are similar concepts, but they have some differences. Codependency is an excessive reliance on another person for validation and identity, often resulting in enabling or controlling behaviors. On the other hand, interdependence is a healthy and balanced dynamic in which both individuals rely on and support each other while maintaining their own autonomy and independence. Interdependence involves mutual respect, equal give-and-take, and the ability to function independently.
Here are some tips for managing codependent tendencies:
- Educate yourself about codependency and its impact on your life. This will help increase awareness and understanding of your behaviors and thought patterns.
- Work on improving your self-esteem and self-worth. Engage in activities that promote self-care and self-compassion, and consider seeking therapy or counseling to address underlying issues.
- Set boundaries and practice assertiveness. Learn to recognize and communicate your own needs, preferences, and limits, while respecting the autonomy and boundaries of others.
- Develop a support system outside of the codependent relationship. Cultivate friendships, hobbies, and interests that allow you to build your own identity and sense of fulfillment.
- Seek professional help if necessary. Consider attending therapy or support groups specifically focused on codependency to explore deeper-rooted issues and develop healthier coping strategies.
